For ‘K’ selected men to find a truly devoted life companion, the number one thing they should take from this article is an understanding of the natural differences between the sexes. Women don’t need much instruction on this since they’re the more passive sex, and they see how this dynamic plays out everyday for themselves, and their friends. Typically being in the more active role in courtship, men end up talking to and treating women, both on and offline, the same way they want to be talked to and treated themselves. This never works. Since women communicate in subtle ways, this makes it difficult for men to learn from their mistakes, while women get to see the results of their behaviour in how men respond to them in very macro ways.
For men there’s no exercise or way to make yourself understand this other than just trying to become more attentive to the social and relational cues a woman will give you. You’ll have to pay more attention to your gut instincts, and less to your analytical mind. If you had a YouTube channel where on your videos you could never see your view counts, like and dislike ratio, comments, etc, you’d never have the feedback necessary to determine what was or wasn’t working. This is similar to what most men experience when they don’t pick up on the more subtle types of communication women give them. Once you become more attentive, you’ll learn from the various signs you get from them and you’ll learn not to repeat certain behaviours.
With obvious exceptions that you’ll come to understand, there’s one general principal you will want to stick to when talking to women.
This overarching concept is you want to activate her imagination and emotions. This goes from the moment you begin talking to her online or in person, until your 50th wedding anniversary, and beyond. Talking about anything left-brained is an attraction killer. There may come a point weeks or even months into a relationship where one can broach more analytical subjects, especially if she’s involved in them academically herself, but from the moment you begin interacting with her you need to get her into a more ‘feeling’ and fun mental state that she then associates with being around you. Once there’s some time commitment involved and you bring up logical topics, you have to continually test the waters. Don’t make it the majority of your communications with her.
You’ll discover more in time, but some of the easiest emotion and imagination igniting topics to begin using are:
- musical tastes
- amazing food experiences
- your own stories (don’t send long stories online or by text use this in person or on the phone)
- life goals
- dream home or living location
- relationships between people (doesn’t even have to be romance oriented)
- movies/tv shows (even fictional books you’ve enjoyed)
- pets and animals
- religion/spirituality (if it’s not proselytizing or they share your views)
- develop a repertoire of witty jokes (not crude or racist)
This might make more sense than whatever it is you’ve been stumbling around the dating world doing, but you might also be hung up on some idea of what every girl wants in an ideal partner, which can cause you crippling lowered confidence when around attractive women. If you believe all women put a huge amount of emphasis on looks, wealth, and power, that’s actually only a small portion of the whole picture for most of them. Except in the few cases of women who make it their sole objective and are willing to sacrifice everything else decent in their life for those attributes in a partner, it’s far from the only thing that draws women to men. This is a list of qualities divided into categories that makes up most of what women find attractive:
♦ Height (you can only influence this if you’re in puberty, so if you’re still growing, gorge on calories)
♦ Fitness (minority genetic, a lot of ability to be altered by lifestyle)
♦ Looks (majority genetic, a minor ability to be altered by lifestyle)
∞ Style (a well dressed man, or a man in uniform signals to women things about him beyond just aesthetics)
∞ Sexual Prowess
∞ Romance (which can include the creative expression of your feelings with words, music, drawing, etc)
♥ Intelligence (you can convey this without talking about academic subjects)
♥ Sense of Humour
♠ Sense of Danger (self-determination appears exciting, thus the allure of ‘the bad boy’, ‘the rebel’, etc)
♠ Leadership (naturally taking charge in most situations without abusing that position of power)
♠ Confidence (this can stand on its own as just cultivating a personality that’s unfazed by whatever’s thrown at you, or it can be a result of any combination of the above qualities granting you high self-esteem)
This list isn’t in order of importance. If there’s anything I need to emphasize it’s how different women are drawn to different qualities based on their own positive and negative life experiences. In general, one might be able to say that stable healthy women are drawn to a broad range of qualities while mentally unstable ones tend towards being focused on a small number of them, ie. the gold digger, the nymphomaniac, the rockstar groupie, the serial dater who can’t find anyone she can connect deeply with, etc.
What this list gives you if you believe you lack those big three traits (power, money, looks) is some hope! If you thought of yourself as never being able to attract someone of a certain caliber, you can now work on many of these other traits that are much easier to improve to make up for not having those three. You should also try to develop yourself in a well rounded way. Some traits are more difficult to develop than others, and a few are nearly completely genetic, but there’s at least two in each category that can absolutely be worked at and improved.
Assess which of the 15 qualities you already have talents in and then which of the 5 categories you’re strongest in. Then it’s simply a matter of working on the categories you’re weakest in. Aiming to develop qualities that span three categories should get you to a place of being above average in attractiveness to most women. Having qualities in four categories puts you in high demand on the dating scene. Having qualities that fall across all five is a position that few men get to experience in their lifetime!
I’m sure it’s clear to you now what the underlying mechanism of attraction for women is in all of these listed traits.
These aren’t purely about evolutionary selections for security, like I said at the start of this article, they’re all about activating her imagination and emotions. The rich guy can provide security, yes, but more importantly he creates an image in her mind that at a moment’s notice he has the ability to sweep her off her feet and take her on an adventure, give her an experience of fine foods or clothing, and to live an extraordinary life. Very similar effects are created in a woman who sees a guy who can dress in a way that has a unified style, or is able to naturally crack joke after joke, or who has a commanding presence in public without appearing arrogant…
There’s a character in the AMC show “TURN: Washington’s Spies” named John André (he was a real historical figure). His courtship of the character Peggy Shippen (also a real person) is a captivating subplot that actually totally engaged me, which was surprising as most tv/movie romances don’t at all. They develop John’s character during season 1 and it becomes clear that he’s a very intelligent and powerful figure in the British military. They then introduce Peggy in season 2 and after they first meet and begin their courtship dance, John clearly shows himself to be a true Renaissance man.
These are qualities he’s established in himself, so when he shows his full self to a woman who’s worthy of his attention like Peggy, she’s absolutely stricken with him. He’s different and stands out next to any other man she’s ever met. If you’re familiar with the show (and I’d recommend it to anyone as the show is well rounded too) you can look at the list I’ve made above and see that he easily hits 13 of the 15 traits, maybe even all 15 of them if you count things he’s only partly fostered. Developing yourself like this is a genuine way of becoming attractive to women that doesn’t require smoke and mirrors.
Women want to enter into a man’s world, not have a man change his world to accommodate her. They of course want commitment from men, but that commitment has to come from men wanting to do that on their own accord, otherwise that nagging desire many men still have in the back of their heads to be a player will rear its ugly head in late middle-age as regret. If you’ve mastered your own life and have a range of these qualities I’ve listed, then you can just be yourself and someone worthy of your standards with find you irresistible. One line from Peggy’s character perfectly sums up what I’ve described as the cause for her feelings about John:
“You are a man who makes his own fate, and I wish to be a part of it.”